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by Lady Bastet | ||||||||||||||||
 Lady Bastet is Editor-in-Chief to Logical Lust Publications at www.logical-lust.com and EternallyErotic.com. She is also a proud member of the Erotica Readers and Writers Association (ERWA). She has currently completed editing the BDSM anthology, ETERNAL BONDS and sub-editing the erotic pulp fiction anthology ETERNALLY NOIR. Both anthologies can be found at the Eternally Erotic Bookstore, www.eternallyerotic.com.
[Lady Bastet's piece is informational, not instructional. Read, enjoy, but do only what you're comfortable doing.] --- Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen. If you were to see me on the street, you would probably walk past me without a second glance. I look like a "typical" person: a wage slave with a mind-numbing job and living for the weekend. I don’t have multi-colored hair, piercings, or tattoos (that you can see). But in my life outside the office I’m a different person. And it's my own and nobody else’s business. I’m the type of person who can walk into an adult theater without fear. Why? Because I no longer give a damn as to what people think. When it comes to me and my sex life, it's all about me and my partner(s). And if you read on, you'll discover why you don’t have to fear cruising for sex in an adult theater. You can be as loose as ashes in the wind if you want. You only live once, girlfriend! Men, don’t think I’m forgetting you. I’m going to give you insight into the female party-girl brain. And if you want to know how to "spot" a potential playmate at an adult theatre, I suggest you read on -- because do I have tips for YOU. So enough with the chit-chat, let’s go! CHOOSE YOUR LOCATION: If you’re like me and live in a giant metropolitan area, you have a large choice of adult venues to choose from. If you live in a less populated area, you may have to travel a bit. Nevertheless, you want to pick a place that looks like it has steady business. As you can imagine and like the song says: “the freaks come out at night.” The best time to scope for action is Friday and Saturday nights after 10:00 with the "peak" time being when the local bars start to close, usually around 2:00 am. You don’t have to play with the drunks or the obnoxious, but there will be an influx of humanity who still want to party before calling it a night. Pick someplace clean. If you walk in the door and you are greeted with the sharp, slightly sweet smell of bleach and disinfectant, you can be certain of a few things: 1) people have been getting freaky on site, and 2) management keeps things clean. This doesn’t mean I would suggest using their restroom or anything, but the viewing booths and outer store are being kept relatively clean. HOW TO DRESS Ladies, dress for easy access and quick concealment in case you are disturbed. Men, the same applies to you. It is not uncommon for theater staff or even on-duty police officers to patrol for illegal sexual activity and you need to readjust your clothes quickly to prevent answering any embarrassing questions. You remember what happened to Pee-Wee Herman, don’t you? Even if an undercover spots you, chances are he (or she) will get caught with his hand in the cookie jar. But I admit that in my years of doing this, I’ve seen "spot checks" but never encountered an undercover cop. No panties—this should be obvious. This also means no pantyhose. Women, shave your legs and keep them feeling smooth and soft or wear stockings. With or without a garter belt, stockings are sexy. Men, underwear is optional depending on your comfort level, but why not "go commando?" Personally, I like to wear a long skirt on these forays. My favorite has long slits on either side. The reason I prefer long skirts is to keep my ass from sticking to the seat or getting splinters from sitting on the wood benches some theaters have in their private viewing rooms. On top, wear a blouse made of stretchy material and/or something showing a lot of cleavage. My breasts are too large to go unfettered (46DD), but I can easily pop "the ladies" out when needed. I’ll never forget the time I went to the theater and sat in my usual seat in the back row. It didn’t take five minutes before a man was sitting on either side of me and in the row in front of me. Ten minutes later, I had one man sucking on each of my tits and five hands from five different men playing with my pussy. I was in Slut Heaven! GET READY TO PLAY Now that you’ve picked a playground, how do you start having fun? Believe it or not, but I’m not very outgoing. I’m quite the opposite. It is not in my nature to walk into a room and expect all eyes on me. If that is your style, rock on with it. Yet, a woman on her own in an adult theater is bound to draw attention whether she wants it or not. And you want it, right? But if you’re cautious by nature, all is not lost. Let me explain how I do it: All I do is stroll. Many adult theaters rent movies and I treat the place as if it were any other rental shop. I go up and down the aisles and get to know the layout of the place. I smile and make eye contact or act demure with a sidelong glance. In short, I put my flirt on. Men, you can allow yourself to be a little more subtle and smooth, too. Take your time and check out the goods because that’s what I’m doing. Give yourself time to see if the woman is really out alone and doesn’t have a jealous companion nearby. CHOOSE YOUR PLAYMATE -- OR LET THEM CHOOSE YOU It’s all about body language, boys and girls. Ladies, if you want to have fun, you got to be receptive to having fun. If you go around looking scared like a lamb in a slaughterhouse, expect to be left alone. No one wants trouble and here you are looking like “Janie Jailbait.” RELAX, DAMMIT! I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the men I’ve hooked up with. I’ve played with truckers, businessmen, frat brats, and what I call “stray fathers”—suburban men out on their own (don’t ask). It’s not so much as how they dress, but how they carry themselves. I like a man who approaches ME. If a man wants me, HE can come get me. I want him to approach with a SMILE and be RELAXED. If he is nervous with hands in pocket rattling his keys or his change, he probably has reason to be nervous and I don’t want to get involved. On these forays, I’m not so much interested in the man’s looks as I am about satisfying my sexual hunger. I’m looking to get felt up and or sexed up. I’m not looking for a future ex-boyfriend/husband. If that is your goal, prepare to be disappointed. If I'm outside the theater and in the store and I see a man I like, I’ll go down the same aisle he's in or make eye contact with him and see if he follows me. We will either go inside the theater proper…or leave the premises. NOTE TO THE MEN: Men, if you spy an unaccompanied woman strolling down fetish aisle and you’d like to get to know her better—take yourself down the same aisle. Look, or pretend to look, at the videos available. If she picks one up, say: "Great choice," or "So, you’re into watersports/leather/bondage (whatever), are you?" Yes, it may sound corny. Yes, it sounds like a pick-up line—because it is! This is your proverbial "ice breaker." If you are inside the theater and see a woman sitting on her own for an extended period of time, chances are she is alone and you can make your move…literally. Move and sit in the row in front or behind her, or better yet, sit next to her. If she is really looking for action, she won’t get up and move. If she does move, take it in stride. No one wants to start trouble. DO NOT LEER. The worst thing you men can do is stare at a woman as you play with and/or drool on yourself. This is not attractive. C’mon guys, have some self respect. Sure, women like me want to have sex with as many men possible, but even we have our standards. Knuckle-dragging Neanderthals need not apply. LADIES DON'T PAY Hey, what can I say? If a man wants to play with me, he’s going to have to foot the cost. If your playmate can’t front up the cost of 2 movie tickets or the cost of a viewing room or whatever, then find someone who can. If I pay for anything, it’s for condoms. You men out there may disagree, but I’m giving you access to all areas. And don’t confuse this stance with prostitution. It’s no different than if we were on a date and you had to wine and dine me and now you’re expecting a return on your investment. We’re just cutting to the chase this way. CREATE A PERSONA Ever wanted a different name without all the legal hassle and paperwork? Here is your chance. Along with spicing up your wardrobe, you can be who you want to be; never mind what your ID says. Call yourself “Natasha” or “Mary” or "Trixie." Your real name may be "Jane," but you can tell your new friends and playmates to call you “Jacqueline.” I actually have two "identities." My real name is pretty exotic and unique so I prefer to call myself something less noticeable; therefore, I call myself "Anna." No offense to all the Annas in the audience, but it was the first name that came to mind and it stuck. I call it my "Patty Duke Moment." My second name is "the schoolteacher." I picked up that moniker from one of the staff members I became friendly with at one particular theater. He commented on how I looked "too nice" to be in such a place on my own and how I sounded more "refined" (his word, not mine). I told him I worked for a school and he gave me the name "schoolteacher." The only way I found this out was because he told his co-workers about me and told them to call him at home whenever "the schoolteacher" showed up and he wasn’t there. Yes, I played with him—and his co-workers a few times. And this brings up another important point for you ladies trying to muster the courage to take a walk on the wild side. [To be continued...]
Visit Lady Bastet and her partner at Logical-Lust.com. BROWSEby Lady Bastet  This is PART 2 of Lady Bastet's informative experiences trolling the adult theaters for randy sex. If you missed Part 1, don't forget to check it out in our archives (under "Sex Secrets.") But for now, here's where we left off:
"My second name is 'the schoolteacher.' I picked up that moniker from one of the staff members I became friendly with at one particular theater. He commented on how I looked 'too nice' to be in such a place on my own and how I sounded more 'refined' (his word, not mine). I told him I worked for a school and he gave me the name 'schoolteacher.' The only way I found this out was because he told his co-workers about me and told them to call him at home whenever 'the schoolteacher' showed up and he wasn’t there. Yes, I played with him—and his co-workers a few times. And this brings up another important point for you ladies trying to muster the courage to take a walk on the wild side..." [Lady Bastet's piece is informational, not instructional. Read, enjoy, but do only what you're comfortable doing.] And now for PART 2: --- GET TO KNOW THE STAFF: Everybody loves to get a hook-up, in more ways than one. Once you’ve picked a playground or two, become friends with those behind the counter. Male or female, they’re generally as horny as you are, or if not, they’re pretty friendly because of all of the different characters that come through the door. They’re like bartenders. They’ll listen to you and they have some stories of their own to tell. These people are like you, this is their job, they’re not lepers so don’t look down your nose at them. Put on your best smile, innocently flash a little flesh and start a conversation. Learn their names and their shifts. If you do this well, you’ll gain a friend who will 1) look out for you and steer you away from people who cause trouble and 2) get free admission in some cases or discounts on purchases. Don’t get me wrong, I am not suggesting you use these people and their friendship in order to get freebies, but it can and does happen. Personally, I like to make friends with the staff because they will “protect” me. They’ll make sure I make it to my car safely or if they see a man try to force himself on me, they’ll step in. It’s not like I can’t take care of myself, but it is nice to know someone has your back. And that is worth more than any comp admission or discount. This leads me to my next topic. SAFETY Always park near the entrance or under a light. Many adult spots have security cameras focused on the parking lot; find these and park in their view. One of the rules I NEVER break is that I NEVER ride in a man’s car. If we are going to take things further off premise, I drive my own car. Not only that, I follow him versus his following me. Call me paranoid, but I’d rather take a note of HIS license plate than the other way around. Plus, it’s easier to ditch a nuisance if you follow. Once I was leaving a theater and a man I tried to avoid followed me to my car. I wasn’t afraid because I knew "my friend behind the counter" was watching me in the security camera. But the man was persistent. He wasn’t going to leave me alone so I got in my car and said I would follow him to a motel. He got into his car and I followed him onto the freeway. A few miles down the road, we came to a fork in the highway. He went west, I went east and I never saw him again. Also, if you go to a motel or other location, always park “with the horses headed for home.” Park your car in a way where you DO NOT have to back up. If you need or want to leave in a hurry, you don’t want to waste time trying to reverse. But leaving the theater with someone is pretty advanced. If that sounds too scary for you, don’t do it. You are in control and you never have to do anything you don’t want. BUT WHAT IF I GET CAUGHT? So what? If you run into your minister, boss or co-worker, you can give them the same pained and embarrassed look they give you, or you can play it cool and treat it as an ice breaker. You now have a “partner in crime” of sorts. You both have a secret that would be better if you both kept it. Let me tell you of the two times I got “caught.” The first time was during an orgy in the back rows of a theater. There were at least a dozen men and women in various stages of the act. I was being felt up by a few men when I recognized a pretty, petite woman staring at me. At first, we looked at each other as if to say, “I’ve seen you somewhere before,” but we didn’t speak. She wasn’t into it as much as I was so we just nodded in acknowledgement and went our separate ways. I thought nothing of it until a week later when I visited my grandparents and my aunt came by with her best friend…the woman I saw at the theater. Yes, we were embarrassed but we played it off. It didn’t stop me from going back to the theater. Nor did it stop her. I saw her again the following week…with another man. The second time I hooked up with a man who played with me in a private viewing booth on several occasions and I went to his home a few times. As it turns out, he went to the same church as my grandparents and he knew my family. Once again, we played it cool, but this man was bold enough to try to pick me up in the church reception hall with his wife not 10 feet away. OTHER HELPFUL HINTS PERSONAL HYGIENE: Dear GOD, people keep it CLEAN! I know some people have a kink where dick cheese and cunt cheese play a large part, but generally speaking, you need to be on intimate terms with Mr. Washcloth and Mrs. Soap. One important thing about all the men I’ve been with is that they are CLEAN. I’ve been pleasantly surprised when about to give a man a blow job and I am greeted with by clean, fresh cock and balls. They may have a rough exterior, but they take care of themselves. I have left men “hard up” because I discovered, too late, that he was “ripe” in more ways than one. People, if you’re going cruising right after work or clubbing, take time to freshen up. Keep a fresh, moist washcloth with a little mild liquid soap in your car or stop off at a CLEAN restroom and freshen up. Wash your hands, your neck, armpits and your genital areas. But for preference, go home and shower. The following should be kept on hand or in your car: tissues, moist towelettes, condoms, gum, breath mints. Even an extra damp face towel in a plastic baggie will come in handy. You’ll know when it happens. TRIM THOSE FINGERNAILS AND KEEP 'EM CLEAN! It is no fun, ladies when you have a man stroking your kitty and he has claws of his own. It’s even worse if you discover grime under his nails. The results can be very uncomfortable. This happened to me once and if I ever see that man again, I will make him a eunuch. But ladies, you want to be considerate of the men, too. They don’t need the scratches and scrapes, either…unless they want them. Nevertheless, if things do get out of hand, your fingernails can help gather DNA evidence. DON'T BE AFRAID TO SAY "NO" -- AND MEAN IT I have never been roughed up or intimidated on my excursions. Why? Because I know my limits and I stick to them. The men I end up with see this and know “Homey don’t play that.” Yes, I intimidate some men with my manner, but they can find another victim because it won’t be me. If you know any self-defense moves, use them if necessary. I have yet to use my eye-gouging technique or biting a man’s privates but I’m not afraid to do it if I have to. The reason I have never needed to use them is revealed in my next tip. STAY SOBER. This has been the biggest reason for my “success.” I keep my wits about me at all times. Women get into trouble if their mind is fogged with drink and/or drugs and they find themselves in a dangerous situation. Be smart, girlfriend. It’s silly women like these that make it harder for the rest of us. Here’s a secret: the men you encounter are scared for someone to scream “RAPE!” on them. If you are sober and you have to call for help, when the police come, you will make a more credible witness if you are sober. NEVER FORGET: YOU ARE IN CONTROL. The worse-case scenario is you don’t find a playmate of interest and you rent or buy a video and go home to please yourself. Germaine Greer said “No sex is better than bad sex.” Don’t forget the batteries. All in all, ladies, there is no need for you to feel left out any more. If you follow these tips, you won’t spend the evening alone. So wake up that inner slut, take her out to dinner and go have some fun! 
Lady Bastet is Editor-in-Chief to Logical Lust Publications at www.logical-lust.com and EternallyErotic.com. She is also a proud member of the Erotica Readers and Writers Association (ERWA). She has currently completed editing the BDSM anthology, ETERNAL BONDS and sub-editing the erotic pulp fiction anthology ETERNALLY NOIR. Both anthologies can be found at the Eternally Erotic Bookstore, www.eternallyerotic.com. |